Red Quotes
by DeanFan
Summary: The title speaks for itself. Red's quotes from the show.


**Disclaimer: ****Don't Own That 70's Show**

**Kitty Forman**: [_to Laurie_] Where do you think your going?  
**Laurie Forman**: To Night Church?  
**Reginald "Red" Forman**: Sorry Curfews for everyone.  
**Laurie Forman**: But Daddy!

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**Reginald "Red" Forman**: Look what Eric and Steven did was bad but you sneaking around with Kelso that's just unpleasent.  
**Laurie Forman**: But Daddy I'm not seeing Kelso.  
**Steven Hyde**: Untrue!  
**Eric Forman**: A damnable Lie!

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**Eric**: I love the Bradys... hey, did you ever see the one where Mr. Brady went insane and put bells on all the doors?  
[_both Eric and Hyde laugh_]  
**Red**: Hey, did you ever see the one where Greg was a real wise-ass, so Mr. Brady took him outside and cleaned his clock?  
**Laurie**: Did you ever see the one where I hated living here?  
[_Laurie storms out_]  
**Hyde**: That one's my favorite.

**Kitty Forman**: [_to Laurie_] Where do you think your going?  
**Laurie Forman**: To Night Church?  
**Reginald "Red" Forman**: Sorry Curfews for everyone.  
**Laurie Forman**: But Daddy!

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**Reginald "Red" Forman**: Look what Eric and Steven did was bad but you sneaking around with Kelso that's just unpleasent.  
**Laurie Forman**: But Daddy I'm not seeing Kelso.  
**Steven Hyde**: Untrue!  
**Eric Forman**: A damnable Lie!

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**Eric**: I love the Bradys... hey, did you ever see the one where Mr. Brady went insane and put bells on all the doors?  
[_both Eric and Hyde laugh_]  
**Red**: Hey, did you ever see the one where Greg was a real wise-ass, so Mr. Brady took him outside and cleaned his clock?  
**Laurie**: Did you ever see the one where I hated living here?  
[_Laurie storms out_]  
**Hyde**: That one's my favorite.

**Kitty Forman**: [_to Laurie_] Where do you think your going?  
**Laurie Forman**: To Night Church?  
**Reginald "Red" Forman**: Sorry Curfews for everyone.  
**Laurie Forman**: But Daddy!

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**Reginald "Red" Forman**: Look what Eric and Steven did was bad but you sneaking around with Kelso that's just unpleasent.  
**Laurie Forman**: But Daddy I'm not seeing Kelso.  
**Steven Hyde**: Untrue!  
**Eric Forman**: A damnable Lie!

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**Eric**: I love the Bradys... hey, did you ever see the one where Mr. Brady went insane and put bells on all the doors?  
[_both Eric and Hyde laugh_]  
**Red**: Hey, did you ever see the one where Greg was a real wise-ass, so Mr. Brady took him outside and cleaned his clock?  
**Laurie**: Did you ever see the one where I hated living here?  
[_Laurie storms out_]  
**Hyde**: That one's my favorite.

I'm gonna kick your ass  
-Red

Dumbass  
-Red

You know, you're always calling me dumbass and you know I wished I had? (mocking Red) I'm Red Foreman and I wished I had eight legs to put my foot up 8 asses!  
-Eric

You drilled a hole in my floor so I'm going to drill a hole in your ass"  
-Red

Ho Ho Ho...Dumbass  
-Red

**Red Forman**: What are you going to put put on your resume - dumbass?

**Fez**: You don't like me because I'm not from here.  
**Red**: This has nothing to do with you being a foreigner. This is about you taking advantage of my daughter like a sneaky foreigner!

**Red Forman**: Forman, party of two.  
**Restaurant Hostess**: Okey dokey, that'll be about two hours.  
**Red Forman**: Here's twenty bucks.  
**Restaurant Hostess**: Okay we'll have something in fifteen minutes.  
**Red Forman**: You don't want this place to burn down twice do you?  
**Restaurant Hostess**: Okay we have something right now.  
**Red Forman**: I thought so. Well, it looks like it's our lucky night.

_referring to that Thanksgiving's events_]  
**Red Forman**: You mean with that ungrateful daughter, our dumbass son, and that drunk foreign kid  
[_pause_]  
**Red Forman**: it was better than last year.

**Eric**: [_on the new water heater_] This is the best water heater ever. God bless us, every one.  
**Red Forman**: Do you know why Tiny Tim walked with a crutch?  
**Eric**: Because he had a smart mouth?  
**Red Forman**: That's right.

**Red Forman**: [_Red and Eric are in the car almost late for work at Pricemart_]  
[_to Eric_]  
**Red Forman**: You need to grow up and learn some responsibility.  
**Eric**: I love you too, Dad.  
**Red Forman**: What? Stop being weird.  
**Eric**: Thanks.

**Red**: [_after Eric refused to be Donna's boyfriend again_] Let me get this straight - Donna told you she wanted to get back together and you said NO?  
**Eric**: I said no.  
**Red**: What the Hell is wrong with you?  
**Kitty Forman**: Dumbass!  
[_Red looks at Kitty in surprise_]  
**Eric**: Look, I have my reasons, okay?  
**Red**: What the Hell could they possibly be?  
**Eric**: Casey dumps Donna and then Donna comes running back to ME? Look, I'm not a rebound, All right?  
**Red**: You're too PROUD to take her back? What exactly do you have to be proud OF? You're not an athelete! The only thing smart about you is your mouth! And, well... look at you!

**Red**: Let me get this straight. Donna came crawling back to you... and you said *no*?  
**Kitty Forman**: [_shakes head for a second in disbelief_] DUMBASS!  
**Eric**: Look, I... I couldn't be her second choice.  
**Red**: Oh, so now you're too *proud* to take her back? And what do *you* have to be proud of? You're not an athlete. The only smart thing about you is your mouth!

**Red Forman**: [_Red and Eric are in the car almost late for work at Pricemart_]  
[_to himself_]  
**Red Forman**: I love my job.  
**Eric**: I love you too, Dad.  
**Red Forman**: Oh, Eric, stop being weird.  
**Eric**: Thanks, Dad!

**Bob Pinciotti**: [_Bob has come over to the Foremans place after he cut down a tree that almost fell on Red_] Red, I'm so sorry. It was an accident.  
**Red Forman**: [_Red's acting nice_] I thought I never say this. I'm glad you're my friend.  
[_hugs Bob_]  
**Bob Pinciotti**: Red, I thought I'd never say this, you smell nice.

**Eric**: Bad things keep happening to me, like I have bad luck or something.  
**Red Forman**: Son, you don't have bad luck. The reason bad things happen to you? is because you're a dumbass.

_Red stole Bob's Christmas lights_]  
**Kitty Forman**: Oh, my god. I married the Grinch. I'm Mrs. Grinch!

**Kitty Forman**: Sex, it's not dirty.  
**Red Forman**: It's not clean either.

[_Eric's dream sequence during "A New Hope"_]  
**Red as Obi**: A Jedi's power lies within his own mi- are you even listening to me?  
**Eric as Luke**: What? Yes. Um, you were saying, may the force be with me?  
**Red as Obi**: No, I did not. Jedi knight. Jedi dumbass!

**Eric**: Hey dad. You coming back inside?  
**Red Forman**: Eric, I love your grandmother very much. I just can't talk to her or spend any time with her.  
**Eric**: Did I mention that I'm in there rubbing her feet?  
**Red Forman**: Eric, sometimes you got to play through the pain.  
**Eric**: What?  
**Red Forman**: I don't know. Just, get back in there.

**Eric**: [_badly hungover_] My head hurts.  
**Red Forman**: That's your brain trying to comprehend its own stupidity.

**Red Forman**: What have I said about comparing your sister to the Devil?  
**Eric**: That it's offensive to the Devil?

**Red Forman**: What the hell kind of restaurant is this? You got eight people singing happy birthday, and no one can bring my wife a damn salad.

**Eric**: I got a B.  
**Red Forman**: You couldn't get an A?  
**Kitty Forman**: Aww honey, don't listen to him. You did super. And Steven, you did super duper.  
**Eric**: Why does he get a duper?

_seeing a square dance_]  
**Red Forman**: It looks like 'Hee Haw' puked in here.

**Red**: Well, we got vandals in this town. I was driving home and I saw the water tower giving me the finger.  
**Laurie Forman**: Vandals you say? Hmm, where were you last night, Eric?  
**Kitty Forman**: Oh, can it, Laurie. Eric you look pale. Let me see your eyes.  
[_Eric just looks down_]  
**Kitty Forman**: Look at me.  
[_Eric looks at Kitty, imagining her she was naked after seeing his parents having sex_]  
**Kitty Forman**: Do you have fever?  
**Red**: [_Eric looks at Red, and he's imagining him naked, too_] I know what you need. Right after breakfast, I want you to mow the lawn. The fresh air will do you good.  
**Kitty Forman**: [_the camera turns around back to Kitty. Kitty is still naked and she wipes something off her chest_] Eric, is something bothering you?  
**Eric**: [_looking at Kitty and Red a couple more times_] God, make it stop!  
[_leaves the table_]

**Red Forman**: Threats aren't going to work, Kitty.  
**Kitty Forman**: Every newspaper you'll be reading, every nap you'll be taking, every football game you'll be watching, I'll be there, talking, talking, talking, talking.

**Red Forman**: This is a smoke detector.  
**Michael Kelso**: Does that detect any type of smoke?

**Eric**: So, you're saying that Donna and I will be okay?  
**Red Forman**: No. All I did was scratch your mother's shoes. I didn't pull her pants down in front of God and the foreign kid

**Kitty Forman**: Bed checks, here we come.  
**Red Forman**: Shh, Kitty, you're warning them.  
**Kitty Forman**: I'm not warning anybody. Getting closer.

**Bob Pinciotti**: You know Red, that hurts.  
**Red Forman**: So does a swift kick in the ass.  
**Bob Pinciotti**: You know, Red, a kick in the ass isn't the solution to everything.  
**Red Forman**: I'm afraid I'm gonna have to disagree with that, Bob.

**Red Forman**: Penny, you're cold. Go get a sweater.  
[_Cousin Penny leaves_]  
**Red Forman**: Eric, do I have to tell you to stop staring at your cousin?

**Eric**: Mom, Dad, can Penny and I be alone for a minute?  
**Red Forman**: No. I'm not raising any flipper grandkids.

**Red Forman**: Every single Price Mart stock-boy will be trained in the Red Forman way.  
**Eric**: Oh, you mean by undermining their self-esteem until they're too weak to fight back?

**Kitty Forman**: Eric, your father and I have noticed that you've been acting very strange lately.  
**Red Forman**: Like a hippie.  
**Kitty Forman**: Is there something you want to tell us?  
**Red Forman**: Are you on dope? Are you?  
**Kitty Forman**: Because we can help get you clean. There's counseling, hospitalization...  
**Red Forman**: ...my foot kickin' your ass.

**Red**: Nothing around this house is cheap.  
**Eric**: Except for Laurie.  
**Laurie Forman**: I am not cheap!  
**Eric**: Free, whatever.

**Red Forman**: Kelso, you make Eric look like Einstein.  
**Eric**: [_sarcastically_] Gee, thank you daddy.  
**Michael Kelso**: "Thank you"? Einstein was ugly.

**Red Forman**: What are you doing here?  
**Michael Kelso**: The explanation is in the note.  
**Red Forman**: [_reading the note_] Dear Red, we would like for you to give Michael thirty dollars for the game you threw out the window and broke. Signed, my parents.  
[_Kitty laughs hysterically, and leaves the room_]  
**Red Forman**: Well, you made her laugh, that's worth at least thirty bucks.  
[_Gives Kelso the money_]

**Red Forman**: Kelso, you make Eric look like Einstein.  
**Eric**: [_sarcastically_] Gee, thank you daddy.  
**Michael Kelso**: "Thank you"? Einstein was ugly.

**Red Forman**: What are you doing here?  
**Michael Kelso**: The explanation is in the note.  
**Red Forman**: [_reading the note_] Dear Red, we would like for you to give Michael thirty dollars for the game you threw out the window and broke. Signed, my parents.  
[_Kitty laughs hysterically, and leaves the room_]  
**Red Forman**: Well, you made her laugh, that's worth at least thirty bucks.  
[_Gives Kelso the money_]

**Red Forman**: [_to Fez_] Hey, Ali Baba. Close Sesame.

**Red Forman**: When my time comes I want to be buried face down. That way whoever doesn't like me can kiss my ass

[_Red on Laurie and Michael_]  
**Red Forman**: This is how it starts, you know. First they're dating and having fun, and then the next thing you know, they're prying the money to pay for a wedding from my cold, dead hands.  
**Kitty Forman**: Oh, honey. They're not going to get married. He'll leave her when she gets pregnant.

**Red Forman**: [_to Steven_] If you ever do anything like that again, I will kick your ass so hard, your nose will bleed.  
**Kitty Forman**: And we love you

**Red Forman**: If the US government decides to stick a tracking device up your ass, you say, "Thank You. And God Bless America."

_Kitty wants to redecorate the basement_]  
**Red Forman**: This is going to be expensive, isn't it?  
**Kitty Forman**: Maybe.  
**Red Forman**: Don't you like anything cheap?  
**Kitty Forman**: I like you.

**Red Forman**: Once again, an open bar spells disaster for the Foreman family.

**Red Forman**: Dear Lord, would it kill you to give the Packers a winning season? Oh, and uh, watch over my loving family, blah blah blah...

**Eric**: I believe that everyone's political opinion is valid, and worth hearing.  
**Red Forman**: Well that's perfect Eric. Use that line when you run for Miss America.

**Kitty Forman**: Red, there are five stages of grieving: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.  
**Red Forman**: Kitty, I've got two stages: anger, and drinking.

**Laurie Forman**: You know Eric, hickeys lead to dirty things.  
**Red Forman**: For God sakes. Don't let Donna suck your neck.

**Red Forman**: Damn kids today. They wouldn't know responsibility if it walked up and bit them in the ass.

**Red Forman**: Eric, I thought I told you to wash up for dinner. I know, it's difficult to hear with your head up your ass

**Red Forman**: I've been working since I was sixteen. I fought in two wars. Hell, I've killed people. I'm not saying that I didn't enjoy it...

**Red Forman**: I like the sound of a beer church.

**Michael Kelso**: Don't freak out, but if I see a deer on the side of the road, I'm gonna shoot him.  
**Red Forman**: Kelso, you fire that gun in this car, and I will pull over and kick your ass for an hour.

**Red**: [_Red has a dream that he dies, and nobody shows up for his funeral_]  
**Red**: Where is everybody? Where are all my friends?  
**Kitty Forman**: You don't have any friends, honey. I'm afraid it's a side effect of... telling people to stick it in their butts.

**Kitty Forman**: My parents are coming tomorrow.  
**Red Forman**: Oh, crap.  
**Kitty Forman**: Red.  
**Donna Pinciotti**: What's wrong with them.  
**Kitty Forman**: It's a complicated situation.  
**Eric**: Grandma yells, grandpa drinks.

**Red Forman**: What the hell happened?  
**Steven Hyde**: Eric made out with Laurie's friend.  
**Red Forman**: Anything else?  
**Fez**: Your son is a whore.

**Red Forman**: Good night, sleep tight, and don't let the bedbugs put their foot in your ass.

**Red**: Son, you don't have bad luck. The reason that bad things happen to you is because you're a dumbass.

**Red Forman**: Oh and uh, here's a 20.  
**Laurie Forman**: Will that cover for gas?  
**Kitty Forman**: Oh well, honey, give her another 10 just in case.  
**Eric**: You know, I could use some gas money.  
**Red Forman**: [_laughs_] Yeah... and if a frog had wings, it wouldn't bump it's ass when it hops.

**Red Forman**: Do you know how they treat their criminals in Russia? First offense, five years in Siberia. Second offense, ten years. Believe you me, there is no third offense.  
**Kitty Forman**: Unless the criminal likes to make snow angels.

**Red Forman**: Bend your knees and lift with your legs, or else I'm going to...  
**Eric**: ...kick my ass, put your foot in my ass, make my ass a hat, yeah, yeah yeah...

**Red Forman**: I'm glad he's in prison for bribery. People like him give a bad name to Republicans.  
**Eric**: Yeah, all the honest ones, like Richard Nixon.  
[_Everybody moves away from Eric_]  
**Red Forman**: What did you just say?  
**Eric**: Uhh... I said Nixon was framed, and Kennedy was a commie?  
**Red Forman**: Damn right.

_Jackie's dad got arrested_]  
**Red Forman**: Look, Jackie. I don't what to say except... your dad's rich, isn't he?  
**Jackie Burkhardt**: Yeah.  
**Red Forman**: Well, you can use that to get him out of prison.  
**Jackie Burkhardt**: Oh, my god. That's such a good idea. I'll do that. You know, it's true. In this country, the rich get treated better than most people.  
**Red Forman**: Yeah.  
[_sarcastically_]  
**Red Forman**: I'm so glad I took some shrapnel to make that possible...  
**Jackie Burkhardt**: Me too.

**Kitty Forman**: How's it going?  
**Red Forman**: Real good. The foreign kid just ate something off the floor.

**Kitty Forman**: [_at church fundraiser_] Ok, I have jobs for everyone. Red, you can run the raffle.  
**Red Forman**: I'm your man.  
**Kitty Forman**: Don't yell at the customers.  
**Red Forman**: I'm... kinda your man.  
**Kitty Forman**: And smile.  
**Red Forman**: You need another man.

**Red Forman**: [_looking in bag of pot_] Is this what I think it is?  
**Michael Kelso**: If you mean paprika, then yes, sir!  
**Kitty Forman**: Honey, paprika is red.  
**Michael Kelso**: If you mean green paprika, then yes, sir!

**Steven Hyde**: Hey, Red. You have to sign this card for me.  
**Red Forman**: It says you're failing gym.  
**Steven Hyde**: Yeah.  
**Red Forman**: Why the hell are you failing gym?  
**Steven Hyde**: Because I wouldn't wear shorts?  
**Red Forman**: Why not?  
**Steven Hyde**: Would you wear shorts?  
[_Red signs the card_]

**Red Forman**: Why is our house always infested with kids?

**Red Forman**: Bud, being a teenager is like being in a war. One minute, you're crawling around blind. Next minute, you get your foot blown off.  
**Bud Hyde**: I wouldn't know anything about that. Never been to war. I was a conscientious.  
[_Red looks at him menacingly_]  
**Bud Hyde**: Uhh... Canadian.

**Kitty Forman**: I want to have a baby.  
**Red Forman**: You still got Eric. He's kinda like a baby. I can make him cry if you want to.

[_Kitty has menopause_]  
**Red Forman**: [_to Eric_] Quick, I need a wet towel and a Bloody Mary.  
[_Eric stares at him_]  
**Red Forman**: Your mother is talking about adopting a communist orphan. HURRY, DAMMIT.

**Red Forman**: Michael Kelso scored higher than you on the test? This is the kid I saw super-glue his hand to his face.

**Red Forman**: What's going on?  
**Michael Kelso**: Nothing. Just a classic case of Hand-Stuck-In-Vase.  
**Red Forman**: Well, if you don't get your hand out of there, you're gonna have a classic case of Foot-Stuck-In-Ass.

**Red Forman**: Aw, Kitty, you think that she's all grown up. But there's still a lot that she doesn't know. I mean, what if her place doesn't have a deadbolt, or a smoke detector?  
**Kitty Forman**: Red, you don't have to baby her. She's twenty.  
**Red Forman**: You're never too old to burn to death in a fire.

_Eric puts boxes on a dolly. He whistles. Red works at his desk_]  
**Red**: You know what the great thing about whistling is? It's that you can stop whistling!  
**Eric**: Oh. Sorry.  
[_not whistling, he puts another box on the dolly_]  
**Red**: Hey, bend at the knees or else I'll...  
**Eric**: Kick my ass, put your foot in my ass, make my ass a hat, yeah, yeah, yeah.  
**Red**: Geez, and I didn't think you were listening. Oh, and I need you to re- sticker the clock radios. They're on sale.  
**Eric**: Yeah, I saw the flyer. I already took care of it.  
**Red**: Really? Well, way to take initiative.  
**Eric**: "Way to take initiative... "? What are you up to?  
**Red**: Nothing. I just think you did a good job.  
**Eric**: Okay. But I'm watching you.  
**Red**: Stop being weird.


End file.
